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The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide To Finding Intimacy, Passion and Peace, by Laura Doyle
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Product details
Paperback: 288 pages
Publisher: Touchstone; Original ed. edition (January 8, 2001)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 0743204441
ISBN-13: 978-0743204446
Product Dimensions:
5.5 x 0.8 x 8.4 inches
Shipping Weight: 9.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
Average Customer Review:
4.2 out of 5 stars
403 customer reviews
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#25,924 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
There are a couple of books I’d credit with “saving my marriage,†and this is definitely one of them. It has a similar message to fundamentalist Christian marriage books, yet is completely secular, and actually makes its case much better.It’s one of the most profound books I’ve ever read, yet is difficult to summarize. It doesn’t exactly fall within any of the usual domains of thought. It’s hard to imagine how this book even came into being.The book could be subtitled, “How to stop being a controlling shrew.†Or perhaps, to put it in the author’s words, “How to give up control and gain real power.†Or “what feminists need to do when they come home at night†(hint: change hats). It details the authors journey from being a typically frustrated modern woman, complaining about her marriage and contemplating divorce, to seeing the error or her ways, and achieving great happiness.The book begins by explaining that many of us, when things didn’t go exactly right in our childhoods, responded by developing a need to be in control. We became control freaks, which allowed us to feel that we wouldn’t be hurt. She describes how a therapist assigned her to allow her husband to take her to dinner, and make all the decisions, including where to go and what food to order. Even in such a non-threatening venue, she kept inserting little “prompts,†and really was unable to allow the process to happen.She also had hilarious but painfully familiar examples of dialogues she used to have with her husband – subtly or not so subtly seizing control of every situation – and invariably either screwing it up, or ruining her husband’s motivation to do anything.But probably what keeps filtering back into my mind the most from the book is her descriptions of “how your husband really does love you …†Doesn’t he go to incredible lengths to please you? Doesn’t he devote his whole life to making you happy, in a sense? Isn’t his world destroyed when you’re unhappy? This is so true, at least in my case, and so easy to miss or forget. I don’t know whether it’s idiocy, insanity or lack of self-esteem, to fail to see this so completely at times.Another point that keeps coming back to me is her examples of all the rationalizations we tell ourselves for maintaining control, criticizing and trying to “improve†our husbands. Somehow I really had developed this fantasy that I was so well functioning, and my husband goofed up everything he dealt with. Aside from the very dubious reality of this viewpoint, we all have to make our mistakes. We tend to forget our own mistakes, and remember the other person’s. Now, whenever I think or more likely fantasize that my husband is blowing it, I remind myself, as the author says, that if he really is blowing it, he’ll learn from his mistakes. And that if you’ve been controlling everything for years, it’s going to take some time to get out of that mode.Another issue is that I was raised in a family that thought highly of giving feedback, which made sense to me. Then I married a man who had no use for feedback, whatsoever. Since I saw feedback as a positive thing, I was always trying to give it to him, and it infuriated him. After almost twenty years of battles over this, I had reduced it to a trickle, but not enough. This book contained a chapter on the destructiveness of trying to change or improve your husband. Didn’t you marry him in the first place? If he’s going to change, is it going to be the result of your nagging at him? (Absurd idea.) So I was finally able to see his viewpoint as legitimate, rather than avoidant and cowardly, as I had seen it before.What amazed me was that so many of the exact, word-for-word arguments I’ve had with my husband were contained and explained in this book. One argument we had for years is that my husband used to say to me, “When I talk, just say ‘uh-huh.’ I don’t want to hear all your commentary, arguments, and so on.†I would look at him like he was crazy and say, “Are you out of your mind? Do you really want me to just be a robot and say nothing but ‘uh-huh’ to you?!†Yes. He was adamant that this was what he wanted, so I really had no choice but to reluctantly comply.Well, there was a whole chapter in this book on the reasons to only respond to your husband with “whatever you think†at all times (e.g. “uh-huhâ€). I don’t have the book with me – I lent it to a friend – so I forget her exact reasoning, but it made sense.Another argument we used to have was that he would throw fits over my giving any direction while he was driving. From my point of view, it was hard to keep quiet, since he invariably went the wrong way, or took circuitous routes to wherever we were going. But again, he insisted I should say nothing. I finally asked him, “Even if you’re going in the wrong direction, you don’t want me to say anything?†Yes. So again, thinking this was the most insane thing I’d ever heard of, yet feeling obliged to honor his wishes, I disciplined myself to keep my mouth shut no matter where he went.Well, within some chapter, this book admonished wives to, “say nothing while he’s driving, even if he crosses the state line...†And my husband did eventually stop going in the wrong direction.Another chapter instructed wives to always be open about what we want – everything we want – using the simple words “I want so and so†but to give no advice or instruction to husbands on how to accomplish these things. Another frequent argument of ours.Shortly after reading the book, I was giving my husband my usual detailed instructions about how to complete some minor household repair. He said to me, actually rather nicely, “Just tell me what you want. I have a brain. I’ll figure out how to do it.†Again, words right out of the book, which I hadn’t discussed with him.All in all, I can’t say that this book changed my actions that radically. I haven’t gone so far as to turn my bank account over to my husband, as the book advocates. What has changed more than my actions is my goals. I now have the goal of zero feedback. If there really is a problem, I try everything else first, or wait and see if time will somehow take care of it. And I’ve found that now that I’m genuinely and sincerely trying to avoid giving him feedback, he is able to accept it when I feel in my heart that I really need to make some comment on what he’s doing.I can’t even say how much this book has helped me. My husband had complained bitterly, forever, that I was always controlling everything. Actually, he expressed it whenever we really tried to get to the core of what was wrong, which wasn’t very often. Maybe he just gave up.From my point of view, I just didn’t get it. My viewpoint was that I tend to take charge, and he refuses to take charge. I was used to men who are controlling, having been raised by one, and without knowing it, I saw life as a battle for control. I couldn’t see it any other way.This book showed me the virtue of not being in control, and of actively not being in control. If you’re an active person, you have to actively and voluntarily not be in control; actively support someone else in being in control.Needless to say, our marriage has improved about a thousand percent.
This book is not about surrendering yourself as a person and becoming a dishrag to your husband. This is about learning how to surrender you overbearing qualities, and your need to always be right and always be in charge, and learning how to give your husband subliminal messages, just by being a nicer, more patient person. This book is full of extremely practical and excellent advice, that can be applied to any relationship. This is a highly recommended book!
Kinda Nailed It! This book helped radically change the way my husband and I function in our marriage. I guess you can jump on the current feminist movement and demand that it's all about you, but then it's all up to you. Seems like a lot of pressure to add to today's busy woman. Women don't realize the power that comes from shutting up. Gentle strength. As the author points out toward the end of the book, that surrender to a higher power will enable you to give over the reins to a human must easier. This is essential. There is no way I could give the control to someone whom I've seen make bad decisions if I didn't believe that Jesus is the one truly in control.Is this book a fix-all to a complicated relationship? No, but it's a start. I love the little tips throughout the book helping the rubber meet the road. Pride comes before the fall, setting yours down to have a successful relationship will help you get to the old, in-love couple that we all admire.Trying to run the world your way will lead you to a mental breakdown and shear exhaustion. This book helps you see that really we have little control over things in this life. Might as well have a lovely relationship while we are here.I few things I learned with this book as a guide.
This book ought to be required reading for every engaged woman and every married woman, alike! It convicts in deep places while giving profound hope at the same time....Llaura Doyle hits the nail on the head of what is wrong in most marriages today. My own 28 years of struggle have been almost entirely due to my lack of surrender/ respect of my husband. Our culture, and our nurture in the home these days has taught women entirely wrong on how to be a wife. I emplore you to read this if you want to turn your marriege around. I know it will be the thing to turn mine around and I am so excited to see how things will progress as I implement what I just read/ learned! I already tried a few things and its amazing already in just two days to see a shift starting! THANK YOU, Laura Doyle! And Thank You, God for leading me to buy and read this book!
This book arrived quickly and in good condition. A good seller.Beyond that, this book is a must read whether you're married or in the process of getting married. It is one of those books that gets passed from woman to woman with the words "you have to read this. It will change your life."In a Jewish community especially, this is a must read. It's values are nearly concurrent with Torah and it has great advice for shalom bayis.
I can see why some people wouldn't like this book because its advice doesn't suit every marriage, every wife. But, if you've hit a point in your marriage that you've tried everything to figure out why your husband is or is not behaving the way you want him to, you read this book and realize what you've been afraid to admit --- it's all about your own control freak behavior. He's reacting to YOU. The book is an easy read -- like you're just reading a personal email from a friend who's gone through what you're going through. Great ideas, great examples, and definitely worth the time to read cover to cover and then re-read.
I flew through this book, excited about the simple concepts that make so much sense, I can see how they are going to change my life. I'm already applying the concepts the author outlines, having started down this path with the help of a marriage counselor a couple of years ago. It's really working, and I'm considering starting or joining a circle of surrendered wives myself.
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